BOOTLEG BLOG
Today's post!
2023 archive
12/31/2023
TW: repetition and talking about my problems
I'm writing this in advance as I'm working on new years eve and I'm already aware I'm gonna have a lot to say.
This has genuinely been the first year of my life I've achieved my new years resolution, to move in with my long distance boyfriend, that's just so insane to me.
This year overall has been, a lot. Some of the lowest lows I've been in for awhile and the highest highs I've been in for awhile. I started it all with this distinct nihilism I've been carrying with me since late 2019. I've been living my life in a total haze for a majority of it, disconnected, might as well not be there, I practically wasn't alive. All I ever wanted wasn't allowed to be in my hands yet. So i just...
Waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
I felt like I was going insane, years felt like dreams, not in the positive sense but in the surreal sense, all empty. There was nothing I could do, just.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
And then 2 miracles happened.
I was both gifted with a chance to meet up with my long time best friends and move in with my boyfriend, and I was in just in a fortunate enough of a situation to be able to do both. The short times I could visit my boyfriend would make me feel like a living being but then it'd all come crashing down once one of us had to fly home, then I'd go back into my haze.
When I got the chance to be with my friends I felt alive, the closest to normal I could, but the same thing happened, it came crashing down, and I'd go back into my haze.
Despite having my move out plan, this haze was eating at me even more than before, even more than back in 2020 where I hit my lowest. I won't go into too much detail but I went into an extremely dark place.
Then, I officially started moving.
The moment I got there, even though there was intense stress with all the messy shit that comes with moving out for the first time, I finally felt alive, and I knew this time it wasn't gonna crash away from me anymore.
I finally feel, free, I can be me, not this husk that's been controlling me since late 2019, I no longer felt trapped in the back of my skull while my body ran on autopilot. I'm here, I'm here, I'm finally here.
I still have problems to overcome, but I've finally made a very large leep in progress. It can get better, it can get better. The haze is still there, but it doesn't control me anymore.
While packing to move I was listening to My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade for the first time in awhile, and the track "Famous Last Words" hit me so much differently than it once did. This hope in such a bleak album, I felt it on a new level.
Happy New Year.
'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey, if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
12/30/2023
I'm so tense that my body hurts, I'm dreading tomorrow so much since I work tomorrow, I already know it's gonna be busy as fuck, I am not looking forward to it. I've been desperately trying to relax since I have today off, but I just can't.
I've been trying to write but I can't think at all, my creative juices are not flowing in the right direction. I wish I could do literally anything at all right now.
I borrowed my boyfriend's back massager and it helped a little, now my back isn't in as much pain, just a little tender.
I'm gonna change the media rotations to once a month/whenever I want to because I can tell I'm not gonnA be able to come up with new stuff every week, I will change the game one today though.
I ended up taking a nice lavender bath with a bath bomb, it helped a little
12/29/2023
I feel exhausted but I have a lot to do before the concert. I gotta go go go!
Task completed! Now to get ready for the Christmas concert. It's been so long since I've dressed up so I'm going all out! All pink!
I love being able to dress up so much, kawaii fashion is a big piece of me, but I've been so busy and tired to do it.
It was amazing!! I cried a little bit ngl, for some reason it just made me start reflecting on this year as a whole.
12/28/2023
I'm gonna be going to a Christmas themed rock concert tomorrow!! I'm super excited about that, my boyfriend has been wanting to take me to it for awhile.
I wish I could figure out how to get myself to not feel extreme dread when going to work, a majority of work days are pretty average, I guess it's just because bad days are naturally more noticable than mediocre days.
Love it when my dread is proven right(sarcasm)
I genuinely felt like I was gonna completely shut down today, today sucked, god.
12/26/2023
Aaand just like that, back to normalcy, sad.
At the very least I get a short and easy shift to ease me back into things.
My boss almost made me stay overtime but then it ended up being so slow I got to leave at my original time lol
12/25/2023
Merry Christmas!! Today's gonna be a pretty lax Christmas for me as I did all my Christmas stuff yesterday.
I'm excited to go out though!
I also finally got Needy Streamer Overload! I've been wanting to get it for forever, even long before it properly blew up. I wouldn't be shocked if I end up writing about it.
Unfortunately our plans to go out got ruined because of the really bad rain that's happening over here. Sad. But we got to play the new WarioWare, WarioWare Move it!! It was one of my Christmas presents and I'm super happy with it! The game's super fun! Makes me feel so so nostalgic.
12/24/2023
Merry Christmas Eve!!!
Today was great! Due to work schedules my boyfriend's family typically celebrates Chrsitmas on Christmas Eve. I had a great time, he loved the present I got him and I loved the present he got me, which btw is a new mechanical keyboard, it's so nice, he even got me pink keycaps! It'll take me a minute to get used to though.
I got him a FF14 Paladin shirt and he loved it! I'm very happy. I also got a Banette plush and figure from his Mom.
I feel so incredibly happy, today ways great.
12/23/2023
I woke up feeling so excited that I started having a panic attack.
I understand how that happens from like, a chemical standpoint, anxiety and excitement are borderline the same thing, but god it still feels so jarring and weird.
It just makes me curious on what dream I was even having, I don't have anything planned until tomorrow.
TW: weight and food talk, highlight to read.
I also lost the weight I gained that I was talking about a couple days ago! Though I'm sure I'm gonna regain it over the holidays, not that I really care, the holidays is the time to forget about that kinda stuff anyways.
I've been considering getting thise loop earplugs for work and going out in loud areas in general, I get overstimulated by loud places so easily I feel like it'd be beneficial, but I don't know how to explain it to higher ups. You can't wear earbuds on the line because it's a health violation so idk if earplugs will pass.
12/22/2023
I'M FINALLY FREE!!!
Yesterday was very mid and today fucking SUCKED but I'M FINALLY FREE FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!!
I am so ready to relax, I know I've been needing this so much, I was getting dizzy spells because of stress that's how bad it's been, this is the first time for forever since I've been excited for Christmas.
I don't even wanna rant about how shitty and mismanaged today ways because I'm FREE!!! for 3 days.
I finished my first page on the essay section of my page!! I've always liked the idea of making video essays but I never enjoyed the whole recording part, then I realized "wait... why not just, make regular essays with some extra personal flair!"
I finished my page for Marciesss gmod stream as I have so many thoughts.
12/20/2023
Well, today sucked.
A co-worker of mine kept slacking off while on shift and then getting on my ass about any tiny mistake, it legit made me wanna scream, and that is not a common thing for me.
There was more that I'm extremely upset about but I'm not gonna talk about it in order to hide where I work, at least for now.
But I ended up blasting music on the way home and that's always a cure for anything, shout out to drug addicted maid from 2chan(Yakui the maid) for giving me catharsis.
So, so tired.
I guess on the bright side the holidays are coming up, and thankfully I both already don't work Mondays so I get Christmas off and I somehow managed to get Christmas Eve off.
12/19/2023
Is that the first missed day I see? Oops! It just sorta slipped my mind.
Nonetheless the DnD game went well, it was moreso a tutorial/lore discussion session, so a session 0. Helping me figure out the basics. I'm kinda glad I made a character who's very unaware of the outside world since it kinda works as I'm a complete newbie.
12/17/2023
Tired tired tired, one of my co-workers kept slacking off when she was supposed to be helping me, but thankfully another one stepped in to help.
I start my first DnD game tomorrow!! I'm admittedly very nervous, I've both never properly played and I'm not too incredibly familiar with the people I'm playing with, nonetheless it'll be fun.
My work also had some sweets and other food left over so I got to bring home some food and a brownie! They're so good.
12/16/2023
I've found myself feeling extremely tired and unhappy specifically on days where I'm not doing anything, it's hard for me to do nothing and feel relaxed, I should really go for a walk today.
I don't think 'relaxing' in the typical way works for me, my brain constantly craves dopamine, I need to treat it like such.
My brain needs something to chew on to feel satisfied.
Is it weird that I feel like people treat the brain more as a concept than an organ? I can't help but think that it's part of why people can't comprehend mental illness sometimes. People don't treat the brain like an organ that can have problems like every other organ. In some people's head their logic is "If you have a problem with your heart it's ok it's not in your control! But if there's a problem with your brain it's all your fault!!! Everything about your brain is in your control!!!"
Of course not everyone is like this, there are a lot of really stupid people who deny peoples' disabilities associated with other organs, both visible and invisible, just something I noticed specifically with people I've been around.
Istg there's something about Saturdays specifically that both make me extremely overstimulated without doing anything along with triggering me to go into "we live in a society" mode.
12/15/2023
Woke up in a depressive and irritable mood so naturally I started blasting Three Days Grace, the perfect fix.
(Have fun with the mental image of an Espurr listening to Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace.)
I wish I knew why though, I sort of just woke up in a cold sweat for seemingly no reason (I don't remember having a nightmare) and have been in a bad mood since.
But I finished building my character sheet last night! my boyfriend helped me complete it as I was struggling with stating(I have mathmatically illiterate)
I decided to use the Baldur's Gate 3 character creator to make a reference image for her, her name is Estinor and she's a lawful good Dragonborn Druid! She's a very religious individual who's spent so much time in her hometowns temple that she's a bit socially inept and has a very narrow world view, she's well meaning but shes extremely naive.
12/14/2023
God today sucked, large rush then extremely slow then extreme rush. Can everyone just make a promise to themselves to try their best to not enter a location 2 hours or less before closing?
I also sliced my thumb in the dead center of rush hour, it's not a worrying injury but still sucks a lot.
I'm exhausted and just feel awful emotionally. Today sucked, let's hope tomorrow will be better, at least I have tomorrow off.
I guess on the bright side I should (hopefully) be starting a DnD campeign soon, I need to finish my character sheet, but god I feel so shit, I hope this mood dip lifts by tomorrow.
12/13/2023
I'm having really bad light sensitivity today, everything is giving me a migraine, fantastic sign, today's gonna suck at work.
It wasn't terrible, still tired tho.
God I really wanna update more parts of this website but I'm so tired, maybe on my day off if I'm not doing anything else.
12/12/2023
My fidget necklace should be arriving later today!
I also got a possible page idea to replace the dream journal as I don't dream very frequently and when I do dream it's usually a nightmare, I wanna make a page cataloging some particular positive memories of mine and do some drawings for them!
But other than that I have to go to work earlier today which kinda sucks, but hey at least I don't have to close tonight.
Nvm, update, I am closing tonight, there was a miscommunication, at least I have another hour before I leave though.
Zipper fidget necklace got! It's very soothing, definitely gonna be wearing it around a lot.
12/11/2023
My proper license finally arrived! For context, I recently moved to a different state, so I'm finally officially a part of (insert state I live in here)!
I also bought a fidget necklace that's a zipper online.
12/10/2023
Day 2 work done, so tired but so restless. I struggle to go to sleep at a good time after doing a closing shift because I desperately need to wind down.
TW: weight and food talk, highlight to read.
I accidentally overly indulged in sweets recently and gained a bit of weight, I don't mind my weight on a visual level, though I'd like to avoid gaining for personal medical reasons.
But my boyfriend and I are gonna go out tomorrow! So that'll be fun.
I wanna figure out how people make things on their sites on different "pages" without them being on whole different HTML files. I wanna archive all of these blog posts once the new year roles around but I don't wanna make a new HTML file every year, if anyone knows what I'm trying to describe please tell me! I haven't been able to find anything.
I know I need to use JS but I can't find something that works in the way I want it to.
Update: I figured it out!! It's just noted in the code for now, I did have it on for a moment but after thinking about it I'll just keep it off until the year passes.
12/9/2023
The logical thought to use my first paycheck on something I need like non-slip shoes or replacement earbuds vs the very silly urge to use my first paycheck on a tamagotchi.
I'm also gonna update my weekly rotations early again as I'm gonna be busy at work tomorrow.
I updated the icons on my weekly rotation media section, they feel a lot more generally fitting now.
I still really really wanna make a Touhou page, but I have no clue what to do. I've got zero ideas.
I'm switching to depicting myself as a shiny Espurr as I feel it's a lot more fitting.
12/8/2023
Woke up with an intense feeling of dread, good sign.
But I did finish my Tails page though.
I'm also properly starting my training for my new job today.
Home from training! I am so tired lol. But I feel like I can get this job down pretty fast.
12/7/2023
Gotta love when I wake up in the morning and something just feels wrong, the best way I can describe the emotion is that I feel like the ENA track terapias
But other than that, I figured out why my share button on YouTube disappeared! I had a plugin that restored the dislike bar and that caused the share button to disappear at some point, a real shame, I hope the plugin gets updated so that isn't a problem anymore.
12/6/2023
My Mom flew in to visit, we had breakfast together this morning! It's very nice to see her again.
I finally picked FF14 back up, been grinding a bit. I originally played black mage but I kinda hated being a turret so I switched to monk and have been having a lot more fun!
Here's my character:
12/5/2023
Registered my car today, but of course when I have that extremely important thing to do, my brain just doesn't work, extremely intense brain fog, I feel bad for the lady at the desk because of how little information I could process.
Brain fog aside my boyfriend found this cool version of Minecraft called ClassiCube, being based on Minecraft Classic. The amount of stuff it can run on is kinda insane, even the unfinished ones. You can see the list here
12/4/2023
Deleted the Instagram app again, why are people so hateful? It doesn't make any sense.
I was up til like 3am last night completely unable to sleep, and of course I don't get much sleep the day I desperately need sleep.
Got matcha ice cream, problems solved. (I still have a lot to do but now I feel better about it.)
12/3/2023
Went to my new job's orientation, got bombarded with new info, and now feel overstimulated. I hate the learning phases of jobs so much, I struggle to retain information and get overstimulation from information overload very easily, but once I get it down I get it down really well.
Oh, I also compulsively deleted my Tumblr, I don't use it anymore and there's some compulsive meltdown posts I'd like to erase, plus I've felt repulsed by social media as of late. I'll be keeping my private Instagram though, I use it to keep in contact with friends and family.
I kinda wanna make a button for my site, I also wanna start linking to other sites I like as well. I just gotta decide what to use. I'll use either a Vulpix, Silver, Koishi, or Lain, not sure yet. Probably either Vulpix or Silver since this page is mostly Sonic related and I depict myself with the image of a Vulpix.
12/2/2023
I have so much coming up, I was gonna go grocery shopping today but I really just don't wanna. We have enough food for now. I want to relax before my busy week.
I got recommended a video trying to convince me that Pokemon is of the devil in our year of 2023, I didn't know people like that still existed, like I thought most extremist Christians moved on from that by now.
I didn't watch it very far, just opened it up just to confirm what I was seeing, it was an hour and 40 minutes long btw.
I feel like our current world filled with ways of making things more convenient, people have grown this irrational rage towards inconveniences. Of course everyone has always disliked inconvenience, perceived lost of control triggers fight or flight and fight or flight triggers anger or irritation.
People feel like their ability of listening or trusting other people has decreased, like the line between an 'excuse' and a reason doesn't exist to them. "You made my life slightly slower and it's all your fault."
It's odd. Has it always been like this or am I just noticing this? I don't know.
Not everything is in our control, other people aren't within our control, not everything will have a justification, regardless if you deserve or believe you deserve a justification.
If your present is somewhere you can exist, you should exist now, speed isn't everything, you don't need to rush through life, and people don't owe you speed.
12/1/2023
First day of the month! This is gonna be a busy month for me, this entire year has been quite busy for me but this month in particular has a lot.
I'm incredibly tired, I spent most of today on the couch with my boyfriend eating donuts, which was not a smart move on my part, having an egg allergy and all, but luckily my stradegy of "drink pepto immediately afterwards" worked at least for stomach problems, but I still feel exhausted.
I'm completely burnt out on the Sonic page, so work on it won't happen for awhile, I wanna update my info page, but I'm not entirely sure what to do, I'll look on other peoples' Neocities for ideas.
I'm also gonna update my recommendation rotation early since I'm gonna be busy both Saturday and Sunday.
Opened Instagram in the first time in a hot minute and immediately got punched in the face with why I closed it, people on there are so unnecessarily hateful, like it'll be a post of someone just sharing their cute outfit and someone will comment some shit like "you deserve to (extremely violent act)" like dude why don't you use your irrational anger to motivate a hobby like boxing or something jeez.
11/30/2023
I think getting ghosted by one job has made me uber paranoid now, I was told to my face "we have a position open for you! we'll schedule your orientation soon!" but of course my brain is like "ok, but what if not?"
But on the bright side, today I'll be going to some local retro game stores with my boyfriend along with a walk, hopefully that can tame my paranoia.
Update: I got an explanation, paranoia cured.
But on the topic of the game stores I sadly didn't find the games I was looking for (Sonic Rush and any of the Sonic Advance games) but I did buy some dice as I'm gonna play DnD with a couple of my friends for the first time soon-ish.
Back when I first moved in with my boyfriend he gave me both his old DS lite and his old GBA SP, I've been playing Mystery Dungeons Explorers of Sky(can't wait to cry) and Pokemon Emerald. Also the Sonic pages are probably gonna stagnate a bit since I'm feeling a little burnt out on most Sonic games (minus Frontiers, that game cures my brain.) However I'm tempted at some point in the future when I fully figure out how I wanna structure those pages to just try logging every Sonic game I've played/will play rather than just the ones I grew up playing.
11/29/2023
Third interview of the week and I got the job!! I feel so extremely relieved, the stress of no income was getting to me, the place seems super nice to! I'm so happy.
I've noticed that any day I experience a lot of strong emotions, negative or positive, I feel incredibly restless by the end of the day, I have to keep moving or else there will be a constant itch in me that'll make me shutdown if I do nothing.
Also, I think YouTube might think I'm a bot? I've been embeding links as screenshot replacements for my Sonic pages, and now suddenly the share button isn't there. I've never seen this happen before.
Maybe I'll go back to screenshots and just compress them to hell so they don't take up much space.
That or just decrease the amount of screenshots, I could easily just turn them into text logs.
I wanna add stuff relating to Touhou on this page but idk what, a Koishi shrine? Logging the games? Not sure.
That and TF2, it'll stick out hard with everything else I post but god that game has a very special part of my psyche that I cannot remove.
11/28/2023
Second interview of the week, the one from yesterday completely ghosted me so let's hope this one goes better.
If I have the time to I might rework my Sonic page a bit just to help save on storage, probably gonna switch to hosting the cutscenes as videos on YouTube.
But I wanna prioritize adding my dream journal to this site. But I might also take a break from working on this so I don't burn out on it.
Everytime I have something important planned later in the day I find myself completely frozen looking at the clock. Usually I'm completely timeblind but if there's something important I become suddendly hyperaware of every minute passing. I'm hyperparanoid of being late to things that I typically end up being way too early. I don't need to leave an hour early, it's only a 12 minute drive plus a stop for gas, that's it.
11/27/2023
First interview of the week, fingers crossed, I might have to leave early so I can pick up gas, I'm been procrastinating that because of money (even though the longer I wait the more it'll cost, intelligent decision making Raven)
My boyfriend bought be boba yesterday, that man genuinely is what's keeping me from completely shutting down, I'm, so thankful we're not long distance anymore. I got lavender milk tea boba which made me extremely excited to see, I've been trying to find somewhere that sold lavender boba since my go-to place back at my hometown closed down.
I'm gonna start reworking the art page, since I'm distancing from social media, I gotta display my art somewhere.
The interview was moved to a phone interview and they haven't called... yaaaay.(sarcasm)
But on better news if they don't call me I think I'm gonna work on a background for this website, I've just been using a free-to-use one from Tumblr as a placeholder then proceeded to tunnel vision onto the Sonic part of my page.
I briefly considered making a Tomodachi Life page but my game is so stuffed full of inside jokes and I don't have the heart to re-set it.
11/26/2023
It feels like a lot of conflicts and arguments could be avoided if more people knew that anger is almost always a secondary emotion to fear and the true source of most anger is fear. It makes perfect sense when you stop to think about it, after all most animals express anger when they're afraid for the sake of self-preservation. Though I have noticed a lot of people who struggle with anger issues that don't seek out help for said anger issues tend to be very insecure when it comes to admitting they experience other negative emotions such as saddness and fear because they don't want to be viewed as weak by the outside world.
But I'm no psychologist(yet), just some chronically online weirdo who reads psychology articles for fun.
*Ahem* anyways, tangent aside because I woke up in a really weird mood. Today I'm gonna be going out with my boyfriend for a nice walk over an unspecified famous-ish bridge in the state I live in, which I know I need lol, I feel extremely restless. I'm fidgetting with my fidget toys at like hyperspeed this morning.
I vc'd with my close friends last night (if they're reading this uhhh points at you points at you) and they're currently doing a playthrough of the Danganronpa games, which honestly makes me super tempted to replay them for the hell of it, I do not however remember mr Naegi himself being such an asshole in his inner monologue.
I'm gonna start doing Doordash driver tomorrow, I need the money.
11/25/2023
I've been super fixated on my Sonic replay page, I'm basically turning a video essay idea I had into a webpage, there is one game I forgot to include however and honestly it's already so nicely set-up I'll probably just add it in another time, but I did grow up with Sonic Unleasehd as well, more specifically the factually worse version of it. However I feel like it'd be more interesting if I document me playing the Xbox/PS3 version as I've never gotten the chance to properly play it.
I've got some interviews coming up, so fingers crossed that I can finally get a job, I really need a source of income.
Hell I might have to become a member once I get income, this site is expanding so much more than I thought it would.
11/24/2023
Thanksgiving was fun, my boyfriend's mom made me eggless cheesecake(I have an egg allergy) which made me extremely happy, it's been so long since I was last able to eat cheesecake after I found out about my allergy.
On news about this website if you've checked the update page I'm working on a chao garden section of this site, since I'm staying off social media I can't really post on my chao garden account. So I'm slowly working on that now. Might be going out for Black Friday maybe? I usually avoid leaving the house during Black Friday because of social anxiety and it generally seeming like a bad idea but hey, first time for everything.
I'll probably add a dark mode and light mode in the near future as I wanna change the background of the site, for accessibility sake, hell I've been flashbanged by my own site a couple of times unless I have my eye strain filter on.
Update: I ended up getting an Xbox controller for my PC, I've been using this 3rd party Switch controller for PC gaming and it's been starting to not work, particularly once I started playing Sonic Frontiers. So needless to say this controller feels 100 times better.
11/23/2023
Happy Turkey Day! I had a nightmare lol.
I had a nightmare last night where after wandering around this random gas stop I went out to my car and it completely vanished. I tried asking people for help and most people were pretty unresponsive, I also ran Sonic speed on the highway and almost got hit by a car. I tend to have a lot of nightmares about cars or relating to cars, probably a byproduct of being hit by a car in the past(Raven trivia!!).
Watching the VOD for the gmod stream horror project by marciess(you should watch it btw, especially if you're a chronically online individual like myself who almost exclusively has online friends) I sometimes wonder if there's ever been someones' actual personal blog that was mistaken as an ARG purely because of how open they were about aspects of their personal life.(this isn't a hint btw, I do kinda wanna make an ARG at some point in my life tho)
Well other than that today should be interesting, first time going to a different family's house for Thanksgiving, I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving and the type of atmosphere it brings(aka loud political debates) so this'll be interesting.
11/22/2023
(8:49am)Woke up not too long ago, my GERD is still acting up so I'm probably gonna have some sweet potatoes for breakfast. I'm gonna mostly be tagging along with my boyfriend with his errans for today since I have nothing better to do.
(11:31am) Errans have been delayed to another day. I basically spent a majority of my morning just making paths in Animal Crossing lol. It's become ingrained in my morning routine.
(2:40pm)GERD and migraine be damned Sonic the Hedgehog do be keeping me from going insane, anyways gonna lay in bed.
(4:37pm)"I'm gonna lay down" proceeds to pass out entirely, I have this raging migraine but I can't do much about it, I'm exhausted and tummy hurt, and I am no longer being brave about it.
(6:18pm) I frew up, I have been cured.
11/21/2023
I finally programmed in a scroll wheel!! Makes archiving previous posts a bit easier, though I'll probably have to delete some inevitably. But besides that I'm very tired.
A lot of adulting today, going to the dmv, having to buy healthy food because my GERD is preventing me from eating basically anything in the fridge, fun stuff(sarcasm).
As someone living in the USA and now living indipendantly I should seriously take more care of my health to try to prevent as much as possible.
Nonetheless, back into the Sonic pit to cope.
11/20/2023
I finally got the pure hero ending in Shadow the Hedgehog, I've been trying to get every ending, but now I need to do the evil route stages, which has both my favorite stage and my least favorite stage in the game.
I feel incredibly exhausted today, I drank 2 cups of coffee and nothing, just heart palpatations. I have a lot to do today so I hope I start waking up soon.
I'm usually tired but this is particularly bad, but I guess that's what happens when I stay up til 3am, but I physically couldn't fall asleep last night.
Hate when that happens.
05/08/2024
Severe weather warning for today, high risk for severe thunderstorms, hail, AND tornados. Doesn't help I have a strong fear of intense weather in general, not looking forward to it.
Rent is gonna rapidly increase soon so I've had to take up more hours, I'm gonna have to be even more strict with my money now, fun fun fun. I'm gonna start bugging my workplace about that raise they want to give me but keep not training me for. I'd like that pay increase pretty please.
05/05/2024
Really really dreading work today, the previous one was, not good. I feel extremely restless and physically cannot sit still. I just have to keep telling myself that it's gonna be a short shift and it'll all be fine. Doesn't make me wanna scream and explode any less though.
It feels like my body is filled with electricity and not enough electricity in my brain. I need to inject dopamine directly into my brain and make myself normal.
05/04/2024
Went out to the mall with my boyfriend today, got some super cute hairclips, absolutely obsessed with this star shaped one.
05/03/2024
Dungeon Meshi has genuinely motivated me to eat better and take care of myself fr, thank you Senshi.
I can't shake this gut feeling that today at work is gonna suck, this is a shift I picked up to get more hours so idk, we'll see.
05/01/2024
I uh, I feel like I blacked out and suddenly read the entirety of Dungeon Meshi. It's been awhile since something has hooked me that much, can't wait for the rest of the anime.
04/29/2024
Sadly my boyfriend is sick right now :(, because of that I had to go to the groceries alone. But I ended up also getting myself a little treat with sushi, it was just a pretty plain salmon roll but I haven't had sushi in so long it was nice to have.
04/28/2024
My roommate's dog has started doing this thing where once i get home and take off my work shoes he picked them up and just, takes them somewhere. usually he just moves them next o the couch and sits with them, sometimes he takes them to my roommate's room. He doesn't destroy them or even lightly chew on them, he just picks them up and puts them down somewhere else.
04/27/2024
I finally started watching the Dungeon Meshi anime, I'm really loving it, it has been awhile where I've been able to sit down and watch an anime without getting distracted after 1 episodes, very entertaining and good.
Laios is my favorite btw.
Went out to get breakfast with my boyfriend and it went amazing! The food was fantastic!!
04/26/2024
I keep feeling like hell everytime I wake up lately, my eyes feel so dry and my head hurts.
I was gonna go out for breakfast with my boyfriend this morning but I got asked to take a shift today after texting my manager about being constantly underscheduled, I desperately need the hours because I wanna save money to be able to visit my family on Christmas and also because my rent is gonna double soon.
I'm in a weirdly good mood after work today, even after my plans for Monday kinda got fucked because the weather is ass. I wish I could work mornings but not have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn, today felt nice.
04/25/2024
My scheduling was completely fucked up and now I have 3 days off in a row that I shouldn't have, originally I was gonna correct this but with how fucking tired I am, I definitely need this, I'll just need to be a lot more strict with my money.
Large rambling talking about treatment of mentally ill people
Every time I see one of my co-workers ranting about someone, typically a customer, who's platantly just showing signs of mental illness who isn't even affecting them and they're just ranting because they find them 'annoying' it just reminds me to never speak to them outside of work.They talk about how such a good and hard worker I am, they'd probably treat me as """one of the good ones""" if they found out more about me until the moment I do anything they find vaguely annoying then I'm one of the bad ones. Accepting my ass. "Oh everyone should be true to themselves! Unless I find them annoying! Then they shouldn't! Everyone should behave how I want them to! But they should still be themselves!!"
I feel so physically uncomfortable rn like why does my body just feel weird?? It feels like I'm a statue that just suddenly gained ability of movement but only kinda.
04/23/2024
I'm feeling a lot better now but I was violently sick yesterday.
I couldn't digest anything without vomitting, including water.
Now I feel completely functional, except I'm physically unable to speak. Since I only have a 4 hour shift today I might honestly still go to work tonight, not like I can physically call in anyways.
Honestly with how fast I recovered I wouldn't be shocked if I didn't have a stomach bug at all and I just took wayyy to much of the cough spray and cough drops, wouldn't be the first time.
On the bright side, necklaces my boyfriend and I ordered arrived yesterday and they look fantastic!
04/22/2024
Of course, the day I'm looking forward to I end up getting sick. I'm more annoyed by the fact that in every other way I feel fine, it's literally just my throat that's the problem, it's sore to the point I can't talk.
I felt it coming on while at work yesterday and I was tempted to ask my manager if I could go home early, but being realistic, we both had our boss coming in the next day and the only other closer there is uh, not the best at his job, so I just figured there was no point in hoping.
Honest to god, after doordashing soem cough relief stuff I'm tempted to doordash the stuff I need to make onigiri, I don't want sickness that is most indeed stress induced because of work ruin my day.
SORE THROAT BE DAMNED I STILL MADE ONIGIRI
I made a couple but this was easily the best looking one, I'm super proud of myself considering this was also my first time cooking rice as well, I filled mine with imitation crab meat, will definitely do this more times in the future, good motivator to eat more healthy.
04/20/2024
I didn't get to post about it last night since I passed out the moment I got home but the concert was fantastic!!
The specific band I went to see was Wind Rose, a power metal band themed around fictional dwarves, yes it's as amazing as it sounds. My boyfriend's a massive fan so seeing his eyes light up was the highlight of my night.
My favorite part was when the lead guitarist said "Our next song... is about elves"
The crowd: "BOOOOOOOOO"
Wind Rose: "AND HOW MUCH WE WANNA KILL THEM"
The crowd: "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
On Monday I'm thinking on grabbing some rice and some other stuff to learn how to cook rice and make onigiri. I wanna motivate myself to learn how to cook/make my own food, and I think something like this would be good. Plus I need more ways to prevent the urge to get fast food.
04/18/2024
So I fucked up and now their's a gashing wound in my bank account of 350 dollars because I misunderstood something regarding my bank, let's hope to god that it can be reversed, I don't need even more stress.
Well on the bright side I managed to go on a walk today, which definitely made me feel a little better.
I'm going to a concert tomorrow and naturally there's a severe weather warning for where I'm going (I have a really bad fear of thunderstorms and turbulent weather), the universe hates me.
04/17/2024
The further into adulthood I go the more I'm convinced that no one understands anything and everyone is just pretending that things make sense to them in order to appear like the societal ideal of what an adult is. Like we're all secretly playing this game of pretend and mock anyone who breaks character. Stupid ass play if you ask me.
This game of pretend is making it hard to stay motivated.
I'm starting to have stress triggered body pains again, I've also felt like ass and irritated all day, tomorrow's gonna be another rest day it seems.
04/16/2024
Sometimes I can't help but feel like many 'adulting' things are made confusing on purpose, I might just be stupid or uninformed but it feels like stuff relating to banks could be a lot more simple than they are.
Kinda related but it's absolutely baffling to me that there's more effort put into optimization for social media apps as opposed to like banking or FCU apps. Or any money app really, most of them are so janky. I want more optimization focus on apps that you constantly use in your daily life.
Or I should finally push against my social anxiety and go to my bank instead of trying to navigate the kinda shitty app.
04/15/2024
Even just the idea of leaving the house today makes me feel overstimulated, I actively want to leave my apartment, but when I, say, think about visiting the mall I can already feel the physical pain experienced by how overstimulating that enviroment can be. I know it's because last time I went was on a weekend and thus when it's most populated, but god I just wanna be able to exist normally.
I wanna force myself out, but I also know I'll probably regret it. I also don't wanna drive, I wish walking places was more viable.
I mean, I guess I could walk to the mall, but idk.
04/14/2024
My boyfriend got a bunch of pizza today so naturally today's a good day, even if it was extremely slow at work today.
I thought I was extremely underscheduled this work week completely forgetting I have a concert coming up, oopsies. Excited about that though!
04/13/2024
My TMJ is acting up in the first time in awhile, so minimal talking today, it doesn't hurt quite yet but I can feel the joint throbbing and my jaw keeps randomly twitching.
I really hate when I just wake up tense and irritated, my head hurts like hell, yet again thank god I have today off.
I'm so physically tense and restless this morning, I wish my stress from work wouldn't keep bleeding into my days off.
04/12/2024
Great start to the day, the bar that holds our towels in the bathroom broke, I was able to fix it by screwing it back to the wall, but it looks like it was very shittily put there to begin with so I will not be shocked if it falls off again.
I've now made a generalized game log page, which means game updates will be moving from here to there, this page will primarily focus on interesting things going on in my real life, which will probably make it less active but more like what I want it to be.
04/11/2024
I'm extremely thankful I don't work today because I'm in a lot of pain today, my ribs hurt, my back hurts, I hate this so much, I hope my pain reliever kicks in soon.
It's gotten a little better but my ribs still hurt a little, I'm gonna get some boba, it's a rest day today, I feel so tired.
In other news, I'm now paying for FF14 after my boyfriend offered to purchase the innicial payment package and oh my god, I get it now. This game is extremely fun.
04/10/2024
Find it very funny that I start a Pokemon Black Nuzlocke just to start fixating on Renegade Platinum again.
Anyways look at my awesome team, I'm currently stuck at the 4th gym, I feel like it's kinda clear why if you look at Renegade Platinum Maylene's team lol.
04/09/2024
I forgot to post about it yesterday because I was fuckin exhausted however I got to see the full eclipse yesterday!!! I was so pretty, it felt dreamlike honestly. I'm so glad I got the chance to go. Strange small stuff like that make me happy to be alive and breathing. To feel joy on this earth. I added a photo of it onto the photo section of this page.
It was surreal to see it become dark as if it was night time, yet the sky was still a vibrant blue, just an extremely dark blue, the crickets even started chirping too. My boyfriend has brought his family's dog along with and he was extremely confused.
04/07/2024
Been replaying Renegade Platinum and last night I spent a solid hour just trying to catch a Shuppet.
it has a 10% encounter rate in the Old Chaetou, and I ran into EVERY OTHER POKEMON, INCLUDING RARER MONS, FOR 40 MINUTES, AND THEN FUCKING FOUND A SHINY RATTATA BEFORE I COULD GET A SHUPPET
That game was out to get me specifically.
(TW: ableism and sanism, highlight to read)
One of the managers of where I work was mocking a customer for having a panic attack while struggling to understand the menu/on what to order, she got caught by said customer, desevred embarrassment. She was like "what could even cause that??????? that's so stupid" my brain instantly just started going "GAD, SAD, OCD, Autism, ARFID, Agoraphobia, probably more" and this chick is supposedly pro-mental healh.
I feel like I've just gotten angrier as of late, I was always the "calm one who never got mad", now everything is pissing me off. Maybe suppressing one's anger is a bad idea, who would've thunk it. That or just the teens I work with are fucking aggravating and they just ruin my mood instantly.
I think I'm due for another social media break.
04/04/2024
(TW: light ableism and sanism talk)
Gonna be real, I'm starting to think that the only reason why no one in my workplace suspects I have any brain-related disorders is because I'm not ""annoying"", like legit some of them accuss people of being mentally ill, autistic, on drugs, etc, just because they happen to do one of the more ""annoying"" traits of any of those.
People fr only care if they feel like it effects them, even if it doesn't actually effect them.
04/03/2024
Been going through the tedious process of factory resetting my PC, my computer has been having so many different issues I just had to, it was inevitable, my computer feels so empty now though, no more bloat.
I'm in such a pissy mood today and I don't know why, I can only best assume it's because of work, still sucks though, I don't like when I'm so snappy.
I feel so mentally exhausted and disconnected, today was so awful at work, so many rude customers today. And I have to go back to work tomorrow. God. I wanna be free already.
I did however send in a request to no longer work Thursdays. I'm gonna be a bit tight on money but I need to do this for my mental health, at least for now.
04/01/2024
I usually have a silly bit planned for April Fools, something goofy but small, but this year I've got nothing. Idk I've just been too out of it lately, I don't have the ability to be funny right now, plus I ned to get groceries today.
03/31/2024
Today is overwhelming. Intensely anxious and paranoid. Constantly feeling like I'm in danger from nothing. Fuck work today. I hate everything. Time for bed.
Got a Nutella shake, I am now normal.
03/29/2024
It's my birthday!!!!! I am now officially 20 years old!!! It has yet to truly click in my brain.
One friend of mine gifted me Slay the Princess which is super exciting and another straight up gifted me 100 dollars on steam, definitely gonna use that soon, maybe, or I'll wait until next sale so I can use even more of it.
I went out to my favorite coffee shop with my boyfriend, I got their seasonal honey lavender latte and it was AMAZING, I loved it. I also got to have my oreo ice cream cake.
We went to a local retro game store near by and managed to find a copy of Animal Crossing City Folk!
03/28/2024
Aaaaa I love it so much, I'm gonna take so much care of it
My boyfriend and I went out and got myself an ice cream cake! I have an egg allergy so I can't get a regular cake, but a I prefer ice cream cakes anyways, it's an oreo ice cream cake :)
03/27/2024
MY FIRST EVER ACDC RAG PIECE ARRIVED!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!
I specifically got the lollipop shirt specifically, I'm definitely wearing it tomorrow and for my birthday, I'm so happy. I'm also thankful it got here before I had to leave for work.
03/26/2024
Aaaaa my birthday is in 4 days.
I'm not planning anything particularly big, I got an ironer for my birthday because I really needed one. But I'll also be getting my first ever piece from ACDC Rag!!!! I'm really really excited for that, but I'm also gonna be 20 in 4 days, I still haven't processed that.
03/25/2024
Can jobs stop ghosting me? Pretty please with a cherry on top? At least tell me when I've been rejected? Please?
Had a work meeting last night, and among a lot of changes, it honestly just felt like a punishment, our new owner just talking about how disgusting everything is. And though I'm glad that the slackers are probably actually gonna get some level of punishment, it feels like people like me who are just here to clock in and clock out without putting mass effort are gonna get punished as well.
I'm not here to make a massive change, I'm here to pay my bills.
I don't wanna feel like I have to 'prove' myself to a workplace I know I'm only at until I can find something better.
03/24/2024
I 100%'d KinitoPET, and wow, just wow.
I'm glad to see meta horror still doing well, it's very easy for it to feel overdone by this point but KinitoPET pushes towards the edge, bordering on the line of being a straight up virus. I absolutely adore it. Genuinely terrified me. The hints of a greater reason to Kinito's existance also intrigues me.
03/22/2024
I've been recently using Pokemon Sleep for fun and it's kinda genuinely motivating me to sleep better and makes me very excited to wake up in the morning.
I almost INSTANTLY got a Shuppet, literally in my 3rd day, so needless to say, I've been getting all of my handy candy and leveling up exclusively him so I can evolve him.
Graaaah I have so many adulting things to do. I have to renewal my car registration, also have to buy new shoes for work, bluh.
There's this co-worker of mine that I keep instinctively calling a kid because of how he behaves even though he's only like 3 years younger than me. He makes me feel old as fuck though, even though the only gap that's there is just, I'm not on TikTok, much less the corner of TikTok that he's in.
Originally when I started working he was constantly spouting lookmaxxing nonsense, talking about keeping a mewing speak(weird because he never shuts the fuck up). Which I found simultaniously concerning cuz lookmaxxing just promotes a lot of unhealthy thinking but also just extremely annoying.
He's basically the most stereotypical egotistical teenager of the current generation, he didn't feel real, I thought this genre of teenager didn't exist, much less at 17. He says a lot of weird, kinda borderline sexist stuff too. I vividly remember him coming up to other male co-workers talking about finding the most "real" quote he's ever heard on TikTok, and he said, and I quote, IN A WORK ENVIROMENT, (TW: explicitly sexual and derogatory towards women, highlight to read) "She can unfollow you, she can block you, but she can't unswallow you" AND ACTED LIKE THAT WAS THE COOLEST SHIT EVER. Needless to say, everyone laughed at him and mocked him for the rest of the night.
But yesterday he came in claiming to now be going to church and how he's now a changed man. Fascinating experience. Even more fascinating because I learned from him that aparently "bop" is now a slang term for someone who sleeps around a lot(derogatory) and not just when a song sounds good. How the fuck is there such a large gap in gen Z HE IS ONLY 3 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME WHY DOES HE MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M 30 YEARS OLD
03/19/2024
Started reading soundless - A MODERN SALEM IN REMOTE AREA -, it's a super hard read and I mean that as a compliment. The VN involves extremely heavily themes about religious abuse and mental illness and so far it's been a painful read with how real it feels, it's nauseating(positive).
Also continuing Cross Channel as well, a real shame that I have no choice but to read it in a butchered state no matter what as every English translation kinda sucks. It seems like the steam version is the one that sucks the least but it's still pretty bad, but I'm gonna stick with it. Hell maybe I can come back to it if I ever try learning Japanese again.
03/18/2024
Been enjoying the VNs I've got so far, I'm not too terribly far into Cross Channel but I know what I'm getting intoas I've watched Amelie Doree's video on it, at least the non-spoiler bits. It's sad that I kinda have to bite the bullet with the fact that every English translation of this VN kinda sucks.
I'm really enjoying Wonderful Everyday so far, though I'm probably gonna only play it while my boyfriend is at work, as it's denpa I'll probably get tiddy or ass jumpscared at some point, even with steam censoring, it does have a big 18+ warning.
I also got Return to Shironagasu Island and BAD END, though I haven't started them just yet.
03/16/2024
I had a dream last night that a mysterious woman found me at the side of a building and told me "you look stressed" and she offered me one of her cigarettes. Despite never smoking I ended up taking it and it did put me at ease, I woke up extremely groggy and disorientated though.
This sounds like the start of an insane VN plot though I will not lie.
Speaking of visual novels though, I went on a little spending spree for this years Steam sale, I don't usually end up getting anything since for some reason games give me a lot of anxiety to buy, but I have a little bit of cash on me that I can throw around. Here's my hall.
Very interesting set of games to see together huh lol.
I've heard that the Cross Channel steam port isn't the best but I doubt I'll be able to play it any other way right now.
I kinda wanna turn my "Did you know?" part to a live chat for some of my pages. Probably my logs and maybe my essays as well.
03/14/2024
Going to a metal concert today!! They were picked by my boyfriend, though he's mostly going for the openers, the main people are fantastic too.
I'm just happy to be going to a metal concert again. It's been too long.
03/11/2024
Had a nightmare last night.
I was on vacation with my family and then someone broke into our airbnb, I had to beat him to death using a book and we escape, then suddenly my Dad's face starts distorting in a way I can only compare to Coraline's Other Dad post-turning into a pumpkin. But to my nightmare brain it registered as him having a stroke and I started desperately trying to scream that he was having a stroke but the closer I got to finishing the centence the quiter I got to the point I physically couldn't say the word "stroke"
Then I woke up.
Nightmare was bad but other than that today was great!! Went out to get ice cream with my boyfriend and went for a very nice walk. A charm I bought arrived today as well!
I even got an extra charm from the seller! So nice! I specifically got it from Kawaii Conbini on Etsy
03/09/2024
Finally went on a walk today, getting an mp3 player was such a great choice, I love listening to atmospheric music while on walks and having something detached from my phone. I've also installed an app to block Instagram specifically, probably will add Etsy and Doordash to that to prevent temptation.
Speaking of temptation, I got some boba and a little treat today. a half sweet honeydew milk tea, using jasmine tea as the base, and popping strawberry boba. Along with a little cake with boba pearls on top. Sooooo good, but I can feel my heart palpatating already, I'm so gonna regret this. I now understand why desserts are eaten after already eating something.
03/07/2024
Hate when I feel ill but not ill to call out of work. My lungs felt heavy and in general I felt weak. I'm doing fine now but god I wanna work less, I'm extremely on the verge to stop working on Thursdays since those days specifically always make me feel like shit. Somehow NOT the disgustingly busy Fridays, the Thursdays with co-workers I hate, in an overstimulating enviroment, and just generally sucky.
03/04/2024
Went grocery shopping today and got some new coffee grounds to try, they were labled as vanilla nut. Brewed some this morning and it was fantastic! Porbably some of the best smelling coffee I've ever had. I really wanna experiment with my coffee more.
I used to brew my coffee with cinnamon and I wanna start doing that again since that was super nice.
At war with my brain, found a cute little charm on Etsy and I want it so bad aaaaa but I should reaaaally be saving money, I've genuinely been looking at it since like 6pm, it's currently 11pm.
It's so cute and a phone strap which I've been wanting but I don't need it I don't neeed it.
03/03/2024
Today on break I finally started reading the manga Nana! I always figured I'd really enjoy it but I just simply never found the right time to start it. I'm only 2 and a half chapters in and I'm already super interested, Nana Komatsu is super cute while being highly emotional and Nana Osaki is the my ideal of a cool girl while also clearly having a lot of baggage. Super excited to keep reading.
03/02/2024
Aaaaaaa I don't wanna go to work today, I want it to be tomorrow already so I can have a day off. I want a new job so bad but finding something else that pays the same or more and is full time is driving me crazy, I don't even wanna work full time I just know I have to.
I've been collecting obscure-ish manga to read while on break as sort of escapism. I recently found Smoking Maid Romance and I love it, nothing better than the image of a maid cafe worker smoking on her break. Love me some gap-moe girlies.
WORK OVER!!!! I HAVE THE DAY OFF TOMORROW!!! YIPPIEEEEE!!!
I read a little bit of the Non Non Biyori manga, very nice, very silly, I wanna squish Renge's face.
02/29/2024
God I'm so overstimulated, it was so loud at work today, I'm just gonna hide under my weighted blanket for the night.
I also have to go to work again tomorrow. I want it to be over alreadyyyyy...
02/28/2024
You know it's been a shitty day at work when you end it with sending out a bunch of job applications at the end of the day.
In brighter news I've started playing NeiR Automata again, I was absolutely obsessed with this game for awhile, but I never got the chance to complete it. It's so fun and so beautiful, I wanna give 9S a fat smooch.
02/26/2024
I really wish I could just have better self control over social media, Instagram makes me miserable but it's such an easy dopamine machine. People are just so fucking angry on there, it pisses me off.
I need to find one of those apps that locks an app after a certain amount of time.
Anyways I started Persona 1 today! Extremely different from the later titles, the story hasn't entirely gripped me yet, most of what gives me intrigue is how everyone gets their personas immediately and how genuinely fun and weird the gameplay is.
Thinking of making a DnD log from the perspective of my character, sounds fun, I might just include it in my game log since DnD does qualify as a game.
02/24/2024
Very very interesting customer interaction today.
A usual Friday night, for some reason people are still coming in 30 minutes before closing (WHO GOES TO AN UNSPECIFIED OVERPRICED LUNCH PLACE AT 8:30PM) and a lady comes to grab her food.
They were having a normal conversation with my co-worker, though it kinda sounded like she was forcing the conversation onto her, but once I started mentally tuning into the conversation because she asked "What happened to that one boy at the drive thru?" After asking a couple of questions to figure out who it was, we figured out who I'll just call N.
Then suddenly she exclaimed that "he was so rude!! he would always say 'hey welcome to (food place)' at the drive thru instead of 'hello'!! Back in my day we would say 'hey is for horses'!!"
I was trying so hard to not lose my shit, she legit sounds like a caricature of an out of touch 60-70 year old, like ??? there's people who genuinely think like this???? This sounds like it'd be made up to make older people look bad.
The cherry on top was that after she left my co-worker told me that this is the 2nd time she's complained about this exact thing, despite claiming she never told N that she was angered by it. Literally what's the point about lying about that???
Guess who finished Persona 3 Reload and cried like a big ol baby???
I'm so happy Reload is a thing, I want more people to experience this story, the story that changed my life and my outlook on death and the future. This game means so much to me.
02/21/2024
They're here!!! They're finally here!!
My life has officially peaked, the audio quality is a lot better than what I was expecting.
02/20/2024
Today overall was kinda meh, but I customized my desktop with more rainmeter(I keep wanting to call it rainmaker for some reason) and I wanna show it!
I already showed off this rainmeter skin when I first disovered rainmeter but this is the finalized look, pls ignore how much my memory is shitting it self, I need to get my PC upgraded. And pls trust me I haven't had my computer on for 26 hours straight, it just doesn't reset unless I force shut down my computer.
Download for the skin here.
A lot less here since my right monitor is my main and biggest monitor so I'm typically using it for something, but I do have something I wanna talk about regarding to it.
You see the battle hud? You can get it here but you may notice that it's only for the original protagonist.
I spent my entire morning today retexturing this hud PURELY so it could match with the rest of the layout. Teehee silly.
You can get the Persona 3 styled clock here and here if you want the femc version
02/19/2024
Made a tiny bit of an impulse purchase(not really, I planned it) because I had a genius idea!
I am going to become Persona 3 protagonist in real life. Sadly it's arriving on a day I work so fingers crossed it either comes before I go to work or doesn't get stolen. Though I've seen people around here leave packages out for several days and never get stolen so I should be fine.
02/18/2024
Persona 3 has got me so so tempted to try to get my hands on a mp3 player necklace of some kind, I don't care if the tech is super outdated, I love stuff that's made for a specialized purpose!!!!
I will infact put every Persona 3 Portable exclusive track on it and pretend I'm Kotone(P3 Femc).
Aaaaaa complete and utter brain fog today, I feel so dazed, and I have work today, fantastic, hope it's not that bad, Sunday's usually go smoothly outside of about a rush that happens from 6 to 7. Let's hope this doesn't fuck me over.
02/17/2024
Don't you hate it when you wake up and just feel extremely on edge? I can't explain it well, like one little thing is either gonna give me a panic attack or send me into an intense rage.
Had an interesting day at work yesterday, was first annoyed with the fact that they both only scheduled for 2 people to close our area then immediately they force me to train a new worker completely unprompted (this is the second time now, I have only been working for 3 months)
But it ended up being pretty chill, luckily the co-worker I was closing with is like the singular one I feel comfortable talking to.
I'm trying so hard to not make even more pages, my brain keeps jumping to fixation to fixation, but aaaa making a page dedicated to logging my playthroughs of games would be sooo coool. I'm currently replaying Persona 5 Royal with a femc mod, though sadly if I start it I'll have to start logging on the 2nd palace... Maybe it's a blessing in disguise since it means the page will be slightly less massive.
Oh yeah! Surprise! I'm now using Banette emoticons for this page! (context to new comers, I used to use emoticons of Espurr) I don't feel like depicting myself as an Espurr on here anymore, or really anything specific, and Banette is my favorite Pokemon so it just feels right, even if the little guy doesn't entirely match with the page aesthetic they match with my vibe and that's all that really matters.
02/14/2024
Happy Valentine's Day! Friendly reminder that you should use this day to celebrate and spread love in general!
Got a family you love? Spend time with your family!
Got some amazing friends? Show them how much you appreciate them!
Hell, love yourself, get yourself something, treat yourself something.
Do a random act of kindness for a stranger anything.
In a world filled with hate and rage, love should be celebrated. Fuck societal expectations and companies making it all about romantic love, there is so much more love than just romantic. You don't need a romantic partner to celebrate love.
02/12/2024
Updates are probably gonna get less frequent, of course the moment I get the motivation to work on my project I lose it immediately. Hopefully if I can find a new job that doesn't drain me so much maybe I'll have the motivation again, I just hate how fast I lose it.
02/08/2024
Got a new mousepad! it's one of those ones that covers most of the desk, I was at the mall I live by browsing this generalized nerdy store and spotted one woth Komi and Tadano from Komi Can't Communicate. I've already been looking for a new mousepad and it was also the last one so I just had to. Happy about that.
02/06/2024
Been trying to use a self care app lately, I know a majority of them are bullshit but this one has a list function and the dopamine of checking stuff off a list + a cute little penguin buddy is all I really need out of it, I doubt a random app is gonna cure all of my mental problems lol. I have today off though, so that's nice.
My Instagram algorythm made me aware of the MLP Infection au trend that's been going around(lol) and it simultaniously is very nostalgic and interesting but it also keeps triggering my paranoia. Gotta love being a horror fan but also dealing with your brain fucking with you.
aaaaaaaa I hate writers block so much, there's so many things I wanna work on but my brain just won't let me at all, I'm like permanently stuck in brainstorm mode and not writing mode.
I finally got myself to sit down and do a rough sketch of character designs of a VN I wanna make! hmmm... maybe I should make a development page on it...
02/03/2024
Been playing Persona 3 Reload with my boyfriend, he's primarily playing it since I played P3P so I already know the story. I've been mostly watching to see the changes, the game is so beautiful, I love how they translated the game into Persona 5's stylized vibe, I hope every Persona game is this stylish from now on.
02/01/2024
Life's been a drag, so much is happening at once and I'm so overwhelmed and tired. I had so much motivation yesterday to keep doing stuff and then everything crashed at once today. God. I love and hate being an adult.
I completely snapped at co-workers today, though I don't really regret it, they kept arguing over pointless shit and I just yelled "JUST DO YOUR WORK" and they immediately shut up. Oh the powers of being the token calm person and having the power of changing the vibe of a room immediately in the rare moments you get angry.
01/30/2024
I recently bought a new ita bag! I laid out a plan of a bunch of pins and charms I wanna get for it, maybe in the future I'll share an image of it.
But this week has been wild, in some ways I don't wanna discuss, if you saw me going crazy on Tumblr last night uhhh nuh-uh
My work fucked up so hard that the inventory dudes that gets our unspecificed place's food ingredients that somehow we ended up with boxes of Wendy's chicken nuggets, it is not a Wendy's. So I have a bag of chicken nuggets now.
01/27/2024
I hate when I have the urge to go out on Saturdays because I know I hate leaving the house on Saturdays, every place is so busy and I don't wanna give workers at places even more to worry about. Everywhere is so overstimulating but I'm so understimulated right now.
01/26/2024
It always makes me so sad when I hear people complaining about Valentine's Day and how little people weren't raised with this idea that Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love in all forms and not just romantic love. Valentine's Day shouldn't be a day where 'society mocks you for being single' just because that's how marketing people make it, fuck what society thinks, fuck what cooperations think, from now forward Valentine's Day is for love of all kinds. Romantic, platonic, familial, self, all of it.
In a hell world like ours the fact that love itself still exists is something to be celebrated.
Also fuck the whole "ohhh you could get flowers and chocolates every day for your s/o why do you have to wait until a specific day???" YOU DON'T!!! LITERALLY NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU!!! GET YOUR S/O SOME FLOWERS FOR NO REASON!!!!
*Ahem* tangent aside...
My new debit card is finally here!!!!! So naturally I immediately am spending money. It's not an impulsive purchase though, back when I was stuck in bed with covid I accidentally spilt coffee all over my ita bag and though it didn't gain much damage it's just enough to give me a good excuse to move on and get a new one.
01/24/2024
Been going down an Ukagaka rabbit hole recently, I reinstalled FLELE which I used to use as a kid but I had no idea there was more to this program since all downloads I got were only FLELE without the default SSP girl, I installed a cute cat that sits on my desktop now. I think I'm just collecting desktop widgets at this point.
But alas, back to work, I hate that my brain dreads work but I know that when I don't have a job I feel empty and hollow, I really want a balance.
A part of me is afraid of when my brain is fully developed, will I stop liking some of the things I really enjoy? How will I change? But at the same time I'm hopeful that it'll calm a lot of my mental instabilities.
Since a lot of minors exist on Neocities I've gone ahead and added age warnings for any media I talk about that's 17+, 16+ media and the generalized monthly recommendations regardless of age rating will be kept with just TWs and any other media will be kept with little to no warnings depending on context.
01/23/2024
I got the day off! for some reason... A little odd but honestly I feel so sluggish I don't really mind, as long as I'm still making enough. Luckily since my replacement debit card STILL hasn't arrived (it's being sent to a local location rather than my apartment complex, packages very frequently get lost when being sent here for some reason.) I have been physically unable to make any impulse purchases so I have a good amount of money on me.
I've started collecting little computer widgets and things, I recently installed FLELE which I had back when I was like 9, yeah I don't really have a use for it because I have the power of spotify but now I have a cute little Teto sitting on my desktop so who's really winning?
01/22/2024
Oops did not realize I downloaded an outdated version of the skin yesterday! Here's a new image!
(click for a better view)
Other than that I got groceries today, gonna be starting the 2nd DnD session soon. (Assuming it doesn't keep getting delayed lol)
01/21/2024
Work was alright, pretty average, however more importantly I found out about rainmeter and naturally I installed the Needy Streamer Overload skin
(click for a better view)
There's a little bit more but they're on my other monitor, I really like that Ame's webcam does correlate to your computer's CPU, Memory, and storage. Aka she's in a constant high mental darkness animation for me (minus right now because I'm listening to music.) Oh yeah! this includes your screentime as well! When I originally downloaded this I had been accidentally leaving my computer on and because of that she had her 100k celebration background.
01/20/2024
Selfcare day, took a nice lavender bath, I honestly wanna get a bunch of lavender products, fun fact, I have a bit of a lavender obsession.
01/19/2024
I ended up calling into work because of weather, I'm physically shaking I really hope this doesn't negatively impact me in the future, I very rarely call into work but I've had to twice this month now, one I was gone an entire week because of covid. I hope they don't think I'm lying just to get out of work. But then again I've seen many of my co-workers do worse and not get fired so maybe I'll be fine, still scared though.
Ended up getting dragged into work regardless since the weather started to clear up, but that's not the part I'm pissed off about, that's mildly disappointing but nothing major. My manager was telling me about how soooo many people called out today, one person called out other than me, and they hadn't even called out yet, it was just a smart guess since they called in sick the day before.
01/18/2024
I was so close to snapping at a co-worker today. Think the most stereotypical teenage boy who thinks he's the hottest shit, the type who gets alllll the bitches (supposedly) (he's probably lying).
Most punchable kid I've ever met, legit shocked he's 16, he looks and acts like he's 14.
01/16/2024
Back to work today, I can already tell I'm gonna be super rusty, at least I'm not closing.
So, I finished YOU and ME and HER.
It's getting a page for sure, I'd marry Aoi(platonically).
01/15/2024
Both have officially recovered from covid AND had my first PROPER DnD session today! It was quite hectic but in a good way, how DnD works is definitely starting to click in my head.
I'm in a lot of physical pain though... my back has been in really bad pain since I've gotten up. Which sucks.
Also naturally after writing a page that focuses on the addiction of social media I remade my Tumblr account. I'll probably put it on my info section at some point, though I'll probably mostly be using it to look at fan art and to shitpost.
In other news I'm planning out a new ita bag, I spilt coffee on my current one and I've been wanting to get a new one anyways so I guess it's time, but my new debit card (reminder that I lost my original one) still hasn't arrived, plus I should probably wait until I get my oil changed.
01/13/2024
It finally snowed over here! but so cold...
But alas the snow is already melting... At least is snowed a little!
I finished my page on Needy Streamer Overload!!! I'm very happy with it, I'm gonna start trying to chip away on the Danganronpa page as I can tell it's gonna be a veeeery long one.
01/12/2024
Oops disappeared for 2 days because I've been resting! Went to the doctor so I could get a doctor's note from work and oddly enough my covid test there came back as negative, overall my symptoms have been extremely mild but my doctor was still decently confident that it was covid, she just couldn't put that it was covid on my doctor's note, probably for legal reasons.
But it's been way worse for my boyfriend, the first day I really started showing symptoms his was hitting him hard, so I was primarily looking after him. Now the roles have been swapped, mostly because my fatigue has been so bad that I didn't feel safe driving.
But now that I'm home GAAAAA I'M SO RESTLESS I'm soooo bored, why was I hoping I'd get sick I forgot that I despise staying in one spot for a prolonged amount of time.
01/10/2024
Gueeeeess who might have covid!!! Today I woke up and my cold symptoms have just gotten worse and my sense of taste is completely fucked.
I went ahead and called in sick and ordered some covid tests online, if it is covid I'd be impressed I've gone this long without it. I guess this is what I get for saying I was hoping to get sick so I didn't have to go to work. Be careful what you wish for.
01/09/2024
My boyfriend is sick, I'm feelung under the weather-ish but not enough that I can't work, had to go get groceries alone so I'm overstimulated AND my debit card is missing so I had to freeze it and order a new one, I'm so tired but I still have to go into work today.
My boyfriend got a TV during Christmas and we finally set it up in our room!
01/07/2024
I was extremely distressed about going to work today, today wasn't that bad but my boyfriend saw how incredibly stressed I was before going to work so he went to Dairy Queen and got my a Oreo hot cocoa blizzard. I love this man so so much. The way into my heart is pure sugar and chocolate.
01/06/2024
Woke up with the sniffles, hopefully I'm not developing a cold... Actually, that'd mean I'd have to take days off work... I hope it's a cold.
On the bright side I'm going out today!! Got all cute and am ready to go on a nice walk with my boyfriend! God knows I need it.
01/05/2024
Today... sucked...
I went into work today thinking for sure that today would be decently easy, and it was hell, I was also informed that I did a really shitty job closing last night, which I know very well I should've known better not to rush through everything, I just really really wanted to go home. They told me in a very nice way but god in my current stess filled state I felt extremely mad at myself.
But uh, I also got something in the mail. I bought a Kangel charm a couple days ago and it came today! So that makes things a little better
It's by RAINBOWWORMSOUP on Etsy!
01/04/2024
I'm tempted to switch to a 4 day work week, but I'm unsure if it'll decrease my pay, or if my manager would even be willing to allow me to work for 9 or 10 hours to compensate, I just feel like I'd function better if I were working 4 days a week. Hell I was tempted to take a mental health day today as I haven't been feeling well but again I'm worried it won't go over well, so I guess I'll go, as much as I don't want to.
I think I need to just let myself read a bunch of VNs and manga instead of worrying about all the things I wanna make but simply can't. I haven't felt this burnt out in awhile.
I like the idea of making video essays but I hate the idea of recording my voice and funnily enough the idea of them getting remotely popular makes me nervous, I'll just stick to logs on here.
01/03/2024
I recently bought a couple visual novels with the last of my steam gift money. I've started YOU and ME and HER and I'm obsessed so far, though I'm only about an hour in. Aoi is sooo me fr fr.
I also got Sayo no Uta and Milk Inside A Bag Of Milk.
I've been getting super intrigued by the Denpa genre of visual novels after I found out about it both through Needy Streamer Overload and the YouTuber Amelie Doree. I've been wanting to dip my toes into darker and stranger content, I've always been into stuff like that but I kinda always let the "uh oh... what if people think I'm a freak for finding this stuff interesting???" was still lightly controlling me, time to push past that.
I hate when I really enjoy the concept of finishing a project but the act of working on it is physically difficult. I hate burnout so much.
01/01/2024
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!! Writing this at 12am currently!!! I think my new years resolution this year will be just a general improvement on management on my anxiety and stress, let's do this!
I took another self-care bath, I feel so optimistic yet so anxious and overwhelmed, being an adult is weird...
OH GOD I"M TURNING 20 THIS YEAR!! I'm gonna be a true adult... Idk if I'm ready...
Morning after and god I really need to get my bangs trimmed, but I'm kinda rocking the emo cut ngl.
Wow!
The left brain right brain notion is a complete misconception. Along with the notion that we use only 10% of our brains, if anything a very large amount of our brains goes off at even the smallest of tasks.
Also sprite source is here